Co-parenting after a divorce can be tricky. Traditionally, co-parenting in divorce has predominantly looked like this: the parents split into two households and the children either live with one parent or travel between the two. A unique approach that is gaining traction is called bird nesting co-parenting. This innovative arrangement has children living in the family home, while the parents take turns with them according to a set schedule.
It’s a relatively new model of co-parenting that centers children, which can be appealing to child-led parents. However, there are pros and cons. Understanding how it affects children's routines, the financial implications for parents, and the emotional dynamics within the family can help determine if it’s right for you.
Bird Nesting Pros
Children maintain their home life through familiar surroundings.
They enjoy their own room, which provides a home base and a private space.
They don't have to transport their clothes and other belongings from house to house.
It's easier for them to stick to familiar routines, such as the same school and extracurricular activities.
It provides a more equal distribution of childcare.
It may help diminish a child's different attitudes toward custodial and noncustodial parents, reducing the tendency of children to side with one parent (usually the custodial one) over the other.
Bird Nesting Cons
It can be a more expensive alternative, especially if both parents are maintaining separate homes in addition to the family home.
The arrangement can become a burden if family or friends are providing a second home for a bird nesting parent.
It could lead to a false sense of reality, with children believing their parents will eventually reunite in the family home.
Even if the parents keep their contact to a minimum, sharing space might be emotionally difficult for one or both spouses.
What Does Research Say About Bird Nesting?
According to the SMU Law Review, bird nesting is often a short-term solution. For example, divorced couples might use this arrangement until one parent can find a permanent home or until the children finish out the school year. According to that research, whatever the set up, parents often find the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. However, a 2019 study published in the Neurology Handbook found otherwise, noting that children fare better when they remain in the family home and the "stability, safety, and contact with both parents is preserved." Researchers concluded that "there is a need for alternative, child-friendly post-divorce living arrangements in society."
What experts do agree on is that there are some circumstances where bird nesting probably isn't a good option, such as:
When parents become in a high-conflict divorce.
If parents aren't willing to respect ground rules like keeping up with household chores.
When one or both parents have children from previous relationships.
If one parent lives a long distance from the family home.
Navigating a Nesting Divorce
You can start to see how essential mutual respect and collaboration is to bird nesting. Parents who choose a nesting divorce will need to establish and abide by a set of rules to maintain a peaceful home environment for the children. Figuring out if your family is a good candidate for nesting is a great first step. Then, taking the time to agree upon a detailed plan is imperative.
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